Bitch or doormat. That covers a lot of territory. Where is assertiveness found on this continuum?
Assertiveness is often confused with aggressiveness. A dog that growls a warning when played too roughly is assertive, while one that attacks without apparent cause or warning is aggressive. Similarly, an assertive woman will warn when her boundaries are crossed (and will eventually back away or bite if necessary), while an aggressive woman will provoke fights and belittle or demean others without warning.
Most of us tend to avoid aggressive people of any gender. Consequently, many women would rather be too sweet than too aggressive. Relationships are very important to our well-being and we can have a tendency to be too sweet, to give too much, to set too few limits to avoid the risk of alienating people.
A woman I once knew did that. From where to eat on a date to what kind of car to drive, this woman allowed her husband to “be the man” in the mistaken notion that she was making him feel strong and needy. It was counterproductive. Her husband lost all respect for her and began treating her with contempt that turned into abuse. After his divorce, he became involved with a woman who knew what he wanted and did not hesitate to let her know his preferences, nor did he hesitate to growl at him if he crossed the line. He loved it. He had finally found a woman who was willing to back down when he tried to push her too hard. His respect for her grew, and with that respect, his passion and fascination.
Weak men want weak women. Vacuum doormats. But strong men want women who will not be treated with disrespect. Who know their own minds and are willing to ask for what they want, but are also willing to be flexible and kind when necessary. A strong man realizes that a woman who is capable of taking care of herself and seeing her needs met is also capable of supporting him when things go wrong. If she can be trusted to be assertive and not allow herself to be a sweet, suffocating doormat, then he will know that she is strong enough to be there for him when the world is on his heels and he needs help and support.
Therefore, it is in your best interest to become an expert in the skill of assertiveness. Be the kind queen, not the wicked witch or the laundry maid. And if that’s too strong for him, then he’s too weak for you.
