Dating has changed. Whether you’re a teenager just starting out, or in your 20s to 30s looking for the love of your life, or in your 40s, 50s, or 60s (or even older) and dating again, it’s a different world. . High Conflict Persons (HCPs) appear to be on the rise in our society and may be as many as one in eight people. They can be abusive and/or controlling in close relationships: verbally, physically, sexually, financially, spreading rumors, isolating you from friends and family, and some even bring laws against those they once loved. But a lot of this is hidden at the beginning.

How can you spot an HCP when you’re dating? The following seven tips can help:

1. Beware of excessive charm

This takes everyone by surprise. It’s the opposite of what you’d expect! Many healthcare professionals have a sugar-coated personality when they first meet people and can be some of the best at filling appointments with attention, affection, gifts, lavish dinners, lovely notes, flowery comments, and praising text messages. . In many ways, this balances out the negativity that may be around the corner after you make a deeper commitment.

This is not to say that generosity, care, and affection are not okay and part of all good relationships. It’s just that a typical characteristic of HCPs is extreme, including extremely charming demeanor. If he or she seems too good to be true, he or she may be right!

2. Pay attention to your feelings, but don’t let yourself be ruled by them.

A staggering number of people who get divorced say they had a feeling that there were problems in their relationship before they got married, but they ignored those feelings and thought that whatever problems existed could be fixed. Pay attention to gut feelings in relationships. Often with HCPs, your conscious thinking will give the person the benefit of the doubt, while your unconscious instincts will sense that there is a problem. Listen to these feelings and consider them. Some of the most conflicted personalities have a knack for saying the right things while doing everything wrong.

On the other hand, don’t automatically follow your feelings. Sometimes our feelings lead us astray and make us feel attracted to the wrong people for reasons we may never know. Pay attention to your feelings, but discuss them with someone else for a reality check before making big commitments.

Also, alcohol and other substances can mess with your dating radar, so plan some activities that avoid anything that might alter your consciousness and feelings.

3. Don’t let sex blind you

Sex is one of the most powerful factors in falling in love. The hormones released in your brain when you have sex tell you to fall in love with your partner, especially dopamine. Activate your sense of pleasure and increase your sexual drive. It can be as powerful as heroin and other drugs, and it can make you fall in love with everything around the person you sleep with: it sharpens your memories of where you are, sights, sounds and smells, and your other shared experiences with person. (Doidge, The Brain That Changes Itself, 2007)

So you have to be careful who you “hook” with. This powerful drug in your own brain can blind you to all the warning signs you might spot when they disappear several months later (and you may have already made a deeper commitment).

4. Take your time

There’s no reason you have to quickly commit to a new relationship. Health professionals are often pushy and rushed. They often pressure new partners to move fast in developing relationships and even marriage. However, it can take up to a year before someone’s high-conflict personality comes out and your dopamine blinders have worn off.

For example, domestic violence, rumor spreading, and other abusive behaviors may not begin until around six months into a relationship, when the HCP partner feels threatened and safe enough to risk pushing, shoving, hitting, and even hurt you. You are too deep in at this point to leave quickly. It is much easier to blame yourself and think that you are an exception and will not be repeated. Furthermore, this often takes reasonable people completely by surprise, so they blame themselves. But such behavior is unacceptable in any relationship and will be repeated and repeated if the person has a high conflict personality. It is part of who they are. You can often tell if it’s part of who they are, if they justify abusive behavior and dismiss it as normal; or if they say it will never happen again, and then it does.

Other abusive behaviors can also take time to appear, such as financial problems including extravagant spending with your money, old debts you didn’t know existed, hiding money, giving away property, paying your friends and family expenses. , Etc.

One of the clearest signs of an HCP is the threat to leave you if you don’t agree to a quick commitment. By taking his time to commit to any new partner, he has a chance to see if those hidden behaviors are going to come to light. With this in mind, it makes perfect sense to avoid quick commitments to move in together, get married, or even share money. It is easier to go slowly into a good relationship than to get out of a high conflict relationship.

5. Beware of all-or-nothing thinking

This may be the easiest factor to notice. High conflict people tend to see things as either good or bad. They often see people this way. After a disagreement with someone, do you blame the other person entirely and avoid any responsibility to resolve the problem? Even if he or she wasn’t the cause of the problem, most people reflect on what they could do differently to avoid or solve similar problems in the future. I should have been more cautious with him. “I never should have trusted her.” “Next time I’ll ask for another opinion first.” Health professionals often pressure you to accept that others are bad or to get involved in their battles with other people. They typically see themselves as victims and can often describe other people as taking advantage of them or trying to get them.

6. Is he or she self-absorbed?

Does he ever ask about you? “How was your day?” “What do you think about that topic?” “What do you want to do today?” Many healthcare professionals are so self-absorbed that they forget you are there unless they want something from you. Don’t be fooled by how smart, creative, and fascinating they are if they don’t value you in the relationship. Many HCPs are very high-functioning people who can draw people to them, but they don’t put energy into others and don’t nurture their relationships once they have them. See how they treat other people. Do they treat higher status people with great respect and lower status people (waitresses, blue collar workers, ex-spouses, etc.) with great disrespect or contempt? Are they surprisingly insensitive to friends and family at times? Are they always trying to prove how superior they are? Do they seem to lack empathy? See how they respond to your interests. Do they change the subject before you finish talking about what’s important to you? See how they respond to your comments about their behavior. Are they interested in self-improvement, or is there an intensely negative response? Also, see how he responds to your comments about his behavior. Do you feel warm and confident, or suddenly defensive? Test the full range of your interests and the full range of your concerns about the other person, to see how you handle the “problems” that come up in all relationships. If you don’t feel comfortable or excited about talking to your partner about almost anything for the first six to twelve months, it’s unlikely you ever will be. Do not count on changing partners. It rarely happens in real life.

7. Watch for High Conflict Personality Patterns

Our personalities are the way we constantly think, feel, and act in the world around us throughout our lives. Personalities are mostly formed in childhood, so they don’t change much once we’re adults unless we make sincere efforts to change and then practice those changes over and over again. HCPs generally have no interest in changing themselves and become defensive if you request a new behavior or behavior change. HCPs don’t think much about themselves and usually blame others when things go wrong, including problems they caused themselves.

There are at least five high-conflict personality patterns that are surprisingly predictable once you know the warning signs: the “I love you, I hate you” personality pattern, the “I’m way superior” personality pattern, “Con man,” Always dramatic.” and “You’re out to get me” patterns. Each have specific extreme ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. You can learn more about them in our articles and books on the High Conflict Institute website, or by meeting with a mental health in your community who can describe these patterns and how you can recognize and avoid them.

Conclution

In today’s world, we have more freedom than ever to select our friends and romantic partners. That means we have to be more informed so as not to make serious mistakes. The close relationship behavior of high-conflict people is often hidden at first and then becomes confusing, dividing family and friends, and escalating to higher levels of conflict, rather than diminishing over time. Beneath the surface, they can become abusive, especially when the relationship becomes very close or when a major stressor or conflict arises.

This can happen even when you have friends or office workers who have known the person for several years. The problem is that they have never met this person in a very close relationship or under a really significant personal stressor or conflict. These are the conditions that really show the conflicted personality of the person. In general, when things get difficult in all areas of their lives, they focus on blaming others, and their targets are usually those closest to them in intimate relationships, romantic relationships, or very close friendships.

Don’t be caught off guard. Start building your Dating Radar before you make any future commitments. Remember, there are still seven out of eight people who are not healthcare professionals! There may be one waiting for you!