Misunderstandings are common in marriage. A partner misinterprets the intended message. These messages can usually be easily cleared up by reflecting on your confusion. Miscommunication is even more likely during a marital crisis. Mixed messages are a common source of miscommunication and can be more difficult to clear up.

Mixed messages are the result of your partner giving conflicting messages. For example, your spouse expresses concern for her well-being and then says something hurtful. You are drawn to the warmth and then stung by the coldness in your partner’s voice. Like a purring cat that suddenly bites your hand, you become wary of your partner’s messages.

Mixed messages often occur because what is being said does not match the way it is being said. For example, your partner has a sad facial expression but is in denial that anything is wrong. Another example is a wife who has spent much less time at home, but says, “I’m not avoiding you.” You receive a message through your partner’s expression that conflicts with what they tell you.

The question, “Do you love me?” is answered (in a flat tone of voice), “You know I love you.” The words are words of love; but are they? The voice has no expression of love. Your spouse may proclaim love, but there is no affection to accompany the words. They kiss you only when you ask for a kiss. The kiss communicates love, but the rigidity of your partner’s body communicates distance.

It tries to clarify the message to determine which message is correct. This produces few clarifications and more mixed messages. When you confront the inconsistencies in your partner’s messages, they tell you that you are wrong or that they are avoiding you.

The most hurtful mixed messages are the ones that define the relationship. These are painful because you need to understand the state of the relationship. The most common mixed message given by an estranged spouse is “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Since “love” and “not being in love” are opposite feelings, the message is not clear. You’re left thinking, “What does this mean?” “I love you” sounds positive but “I’m not in love with you” sounds negative. Something is obviously missing, but what is it? Is there any hope embedded in the message? You feel confused and want more information, information that is not available.

Mixed messages can serve to indirectly express rejection, as if a mixed message is less harmful. That is one of the reasons why clarification is not successful. Clarifying the position would force your partner to accept the responsibility of distancing himself from you. However, the most common reason for mixed messages is that your spouse wants to distance himself but has not made a decision about whether or not to remain committed to the marriage. Mixed messages reflect the mixed feelings that lie within.

Mixed messages from your spouse are not difficult to interpret because you have failed to clarify the message. Mixed messages are hard to understand because your spouse is in a state of internal turmoil. You are naturally biased and want to believe any positive message that contains hope that the relationship can survive this crisis. You also want to ignore the rejection, hoping it’s temporary. If you listen to the message, you will learn more about your spouse’s inner turmoil than about the relationship. You cannot get an accurate picture of your spouse’s view of the relationship until your spouse gains inner clarity.

  • Stop wasting unnecessary time clarifying your partner’s messages.
  • Mirror the acceptance that your partner is unclear about their feelings and therefore offers unclear messages.
  • Forget analyzing everything your partner says, you’ll know where you stand when your partner has made that decision for themselves.
  • Put your energy into self care. Socialize with those who care about you. Nourish your body, mind and spirit.