Sometimes I am contacted by women who are desperate for a second chance in their marriage, but not only do their husbands not grant them this second chance, they also demand a divorce. This is a difficult situation because it places the wife in a different position of weakness that can be very difficult to overcome. Often times, your mind is telling you that if you can get your husband’s attention and even a little “input,” then you can convince him to put off all these divorce conversations until you can figure things out. However, the problem is that if your marriage is in this dangerous place, chances are your husband has stopped listening to you and no longer sees you as someone with whom he wants to have deep conversations or to fix things.
I remember when I was in this situation and used to say that talking to my husband during that time was like talking to a tree. I wouldn’t get any reactions or just one-syllable responses that were meant to send me my way and waste no more of your time. However, I was able to overcome this and I think you can too.
If your husband doesn’t give your marriage a second chance, stop asking for it: Before you think I’ve lost my mind for saying that, please listen to me. I think there is a good chance that your husband has put his voice into lockdown mode. And I also know from experience that this situation is so frustrating that it can lead you to act very desperate and inappropriate. Before you can stop yourself, you may find yourself compromising, threatening, and pleading. All of these things, of course, drive her husband further away and further away from his goal.
One way to stop this cycle is to change course entirely. This may not seem like the right thing to do, and it may even seem risky. But please believe me when I say I can’t count how many people this has worked for. And think about it, your current plan isn’t working either, so what do you have to lose?
Put distance between you to finally bring you closer:When I say distance, I do not mean physical distance in terms of miles or separate homes. Instead, I mean the distance from the tension and desperate situation that is under your roof. The tension must decrease and the opposite sides you are on must come together, so that you cannot continue as you are.
I usually suggest that you agree with your spouse at this point that the marriage is also very unsatisfying for you and that you accept that a breakup can put things in perspective. Tell your husband that you realize that his actions have brought a distance between you and that he will no longer participate in the behaviors that will continue this cycle. Reassure him that this is not meant to change his mind (he may not know what the future holds), but that he is too important to you to allow you to part in any way other than cordial.
Many men will not believe you. It’s okay. It is up to you to show that you mean it. Some husbands may even go ahead and move out of their home. This can be troublesome, but trust the process. Distance can be a good thing if you play it right. Whether your husband is staying home or not, the key is to move on as the best version of yourself and give the distance that you have promised freely, because if you do it correctly, it will show your husband how much he misses you. .
I want you to think about the woman your husband worshiped for the first time. Think about how close (or far) you are to that woman right now. I interact with many men on my blogs and they overwhelmingly tell me that the biggest problem is that their wife is not the person they married. They married a happy, fun and loving person and they no longer see her in front of them. So whatever your husband loved about you – your sense of humor, your compassion, your amazing ability to “get it” and what it is, make sure your husband sees that you still possess these qualities. This is key because frankly, at this point, you’re pretty sure this woman will be gone forever, but if you could get her back, things could change.
Be compelling and consistent:The main purpose of this idea of distance is to get away from the woman who is causing negative emotions and move towards the woman that her husband used to love, the one who is capable of causing positive emotions in him. Always remember this goal. Always present yourself as a woman who loves her husband but respects herself enough to go through with the breakup. See friends. Do whatever it takes to bring out the happy, smiling woman that I know lives within you, and make sure your husband sees or hears about her.
Many times, I will see wives take the initial action I suggested, only to then see them back off when their husband begins to become receptive and then they try to speed up the process by moving too fast or demanding guarantees or promises. Always remember that you are looking for positive interactions. Don’t move too fast. Make your husband want more and move at a snail’s pace.
It is important that you begin to retain some of the power so that you are not at a disadvantage. At best, eventually both of you will be equally committed to saving the marriage and you will do so with all your heart. This is really the only way to achieve long-term success. You can and should have the tough conversations about solving your problems once you get back into a strong marriage, but don’t try to do it too soon or it could backfire.
