Most people can understand how a wife can hate a woman with whom her husband has cheated on her and had an affair. But what may not be so obvious is whether or not the wife should act on this hatred. Many wives feel like this hate is literally eating them up from the inside out. They want to release him. Some of them even want to face the other woman and express their hatred of her right in her presence.
You may hear a wife say, “Actually, I know the other woman. Not very well. But I know who she is. Her son goes to the same school my children go to. We both take our children to their classrooms. So I used to see her every morning. Now, I take another route to my children’s classrooms so I don’t have to see her. This makes me a little disappointed. I feel like I have to face her. She has seen me with my two children and she knows very well that her actions were going to affect a family. I hate her. I loathe her. I feel that she is the lowest life form on this earth. I have considered confronting her after my children are safe in their classrooms. In fact, I fantasize about this regularly. I don’t feel the need to have a big confrontation. I just want to tell her that I hate her to death, that I think she’s deplorable, and that I hope she rots in hell. So, I’m fully prepared to walk away I feel like once I have my opinion, I can really put this behind me. But honestly I feel the need to say it. Is this a good idea?”
First of all, I absolutely understand your feelings. I felt the same way. You are justified in your feelings. And I also understand the need to release them. But I suspect you already know what I’m going to say. So many things could go wrong here. It seems pretty obvious that her wife intended to express her hatred of her when it was time to leave school. What if one of the other parents hears this? Worse, what if he caused such a concussion that her children found out? What if the other woman didn’t just sit there and accept the hateful words? What if she had her own feelings to express? What would happen if a nasty exchange happened right at school?
There is so much out of your control here. Honestly, I would try really hard not to have a face-to-face confrontation, especially at my kids’ school. That’s just my opinion based on the fact that I have a perception that head-to-head matches almost always go horribly wrong and almost never give the kind of closure and relief that was expected. Honestly, it’s more common for this type of confrontation to just keep the confusion going or make it worse.
I honestly think that most of the time, you want a couple of different things. You want her to know how you feel. You want a release. And you want to have the last word. You can do this by sending an email or a letter and you don’t risk a face-to-face confrontation going wrong. Or you can stop short of this and write her a letter that she will never mail but burn instead.
I know some people will read this and think it’s not enough. They want to see it. If you feel you won’t be satisfied in any other way, I urge you not to do this at your children’s school. Ask to meet in a very public place like a coffee shop where everyone can hear you so things don’t get out of hand. And for things to be safe. Let me be clear. I always think that a face-to-face confrontation is a bad idea. I think you can give your opinion without it. But I also know that some people are going to insist that it’s what they need anyway. And in that case, I urge you to do it as quickly, safely and discreetly as possible. So, let it be the end. Walk away. Don’t keep beating it.
Frankly, she already knows you hate her. Deep in her heart, she knows that she acted deplorably. She doesn’t need you to tell her. And I suspect saying this verbally won’t give you complete closure. You get closure when you solve this problem and you can take her out of the equation. When you have a head-to-head confrontation, you just keep her in the equation.
