MY WIFE IS A STEPMOM, so I asked her, “What have you learned about being in a blended family?” (Actually, I asked for more, I wanted to list three or five ideas, but I’m grateful to have one.)
My wife came up with this:
You know what, it’s just not fair. It is not fair to the children, the stepfather or the father of the children. It’s not fair to anyone. The children’s stepfather and father made a decision (which, on reflection, may not have been a wise one), but the children did not have that luxury. Remember that you made a choice; I did. Maybe we didn’t fully understand that choice, but we made it and we need to honor it, and that means we need to recognize that it’s unfair sometimes, but we need to know that it’s unfair to everyone.
Having lived with my wife for seven years, with and without the children, I have to agree with her. There were times when I thought, “This isn’t fair!” But as I explored the issues, usually from three sides, looking at each unique person’s point of view, and almost without exception, there was a significant level of injustice to everyone.
For me, as a husband and father, I was torn between my loyalties. I knew that my wife deserved number one loyalty, but I also felt sorry for my children because they were not always considered as I felt they should have been. I often felt like the meat in the sandwich.
For my wife, as a stepmother and a wife, many times it was impossible, because there was a clash of values and what she saw as disrespect, which exasperated her. She was often furious because she felt misunderstood and powerless.
For my children, as young people growing up in the best possible way, they often felt misunderstood and powerless. This was also frustrating.
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All family members need to feel that there is some process or structure for justice in the home. It’s about roles and respect. Parents and step-parents have the role of managing the household and household parameters. They need to be respected, but they also need to make sure that they respect the children.
The best parents respect children in such a way that children learn firsthand how to respect parents.
Parents have a job to do to create a just family culture through respect. When respect is given, it is eventually returned. As parents, we must persevere.
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Mixed family situations are not fair to anyone, but the key is to see the injustice from the other’s point of view. Then we are more willing to treat with respect.
© 2014 SJ Wickham.
