What is it about moms that makes us feel like we have to assume the identity of Supermom? What makes us put on that cape?
If you talk to working moms you know, or even examine your own experiences, it’s common to fall into the Supermom trap. We all know SuperMom… faster than the microwave, more powerful than steel wool, capable of folding laundry in one jump. SuperMoms scare away monsters under the bed, create wonderful family meals, while you work, run a business or foster a career outside or inside the home.
I tried to be a Super Mom, but the cape kept getting caught under the wheels of my office chair, it didn’t take me long to realize that this character was not for me. She wasn’t going to fit into the kind of mother or woman “they” thought she was meant to be. Now when I say “them”, I mean TV, movies, pundits, writers, parents, family members, friends and the next door neighbor, there is this exaggerated set of standards that have been generated that have women. themselves, so they donned the cape to try and live up to everyone’s expectations.
Being a wife and mother are important jobs; we are the ones who sometimes carry most of the household and childcare responsibilities, but also most of the “emotional labor.” Hugs of comfort, kisses that improve wounds. We are the ones who cry at night after the kids go to bed because our little ones had to learn one of life’s lessons the hard way. We are the nurses, we hold those little hands throughout their lives, no matter how big they are, we always see those little hands in ours. No mother takes that responsibility lightly. It is our job to provide our children with emotional sustenance, and that is why we put on the cape to give our children all that we can, and all that we are.
We forget that we are women…individuals; we struggle with the duality of our mommy and work selves as the two selves clash in conflict over and over again. As the guilt begins to overwhelm us for wanting something for ourselves, we are tempted to give in to be Super Mom and leave a big part of ourselves behind. We ignore our own needs because we were taught to continually give to others and keep nothing for ourselves. We are haunted by the images we see on TV, in the movies, maybe even the examples we saw in our lives of what a mother is supposed to look like. These images take over us, like a whisper in our head that feeds on the very concept of ourselves. We put on the cape and assume the role to try to make peace with the inner conflict.
Like the famous Man of Steel, we take on a cover identity, one that isn’t real, because we sacrifice ourselves for the mommy neighborhood and for the races. We get lost in conference calls, paperwork, school plays, and soccer practices. We forget about ourselves while staying up until the wee hours of the morning finishing work, or sewing that Halloween costume that didn’t get made even though we were on the go non-stop all day. Therefore, we put on the cape, just to keep.
By understanding what makes us believe in the illusion that the path to happiness is being a Super Mom, then perhaps we can begin to understand why we neglect who we are and where we want our lives to go. Understanding will reveal clarity, a hope, and a desire to reclaim ourselves, our real selves, and not just the placid selves we create. It takes a desire to reconnect with our inner selves, a willingness to let go of outdated expectations, and a commitment to stop trying to fit an unrealistic mold.
You don’t need to be someone you’re not. Leave behind the thought that life is an either/or proposition. When we realize that we can merge our duality back into a healthy identity, then and only then can we throw off the cloak and let our true selves live and find the life we deserve.
