Most people would probably suspect that most wives who contact me for help dealing with their husband’s affair are extremely angry. And many are. Some of the wives are quite sad and mourning the life they thought they knew and are now afraid of losing it completely.
But, I have my fair share of wives who describe themselves as “numb” or “just going through the motions” or “sleepwalking” throughout their lives. And many of the wives who see themselves as insensitive think that something is wrong with them. They wonder why they can’t be as angry or devastated as the women they know in this same situation. They wonder if they are releasing her husband. They wonder if they are so emotionally damaged that they can no longer feel anything. And they certainly hope that this is not permanent. But, right now, they seem to prefer shutting down than being in pain.
The following article is for those wives who have become somewhat callous or detached as a result of their husband’s affair. There is nothing wrong with you and there is a reason for this. And no, this certainly doesn’t have to be permanent.
Being numb after a husband’s affair is a normal form of self-preservation and control: Many women in this situation have children. Therefore, they shut down because they don’t want to lose control or lash out in front of their children or other family members. Also, they don’t want their children to know what their father did. So, they put one foot in front of the other and resume their normal lives for the sake of their children. They try to turn off their emotions because those very emotions are potentially devastating, painful, and problematic.
Sometimes handcuffs are locked as a way to maintain control over the situation and over your emotions. Or they know that once the feelings start flowing, they won’t be able to stop them. However, they don’t want to give her husband the “satisfaction” of seeing a reaction.
Either way, the feelings will eventually have to come out. If you don’t release them, they’re going to come out in a passive-aggressive way, or you may find that you’re directing their anger at yourself (which is definitely not fair). Lose control, but there is nothing. that says you can’t keep a journal, talk to a trusted friend, or just take time to reflect.
Unfortunately, ignoring this doesn’t make it go away or mean you won’t eventually have to deal with it. I tried it myself and I can tell you it doesn’t work. What happens is that the feelings continue to rot and boil below the surface and then they will show up in other ways. Sure, you may not be overtly showing your anger or sadness, but I can assure you that it’s there and will eventually manifest itself, if it hasn’t already started.
What needs to happen for you to feel again after your husband’s affair: Every once in a while when I explain the above points to wives there are some who just don’t believe what I’m saying. They will insist that they are dealing with this in their own way, and although the result of this has left them a little numb, they find it preferable to anger or devastation. Trust me when I say, I certainly want to spare wives painful emotions if I can and I’m not happy knowing someone is going to experience negative emotions. But I have to tell you that being numb is also, at least in my opinion and experience, quite negative.
Sure, you don’t feel the pain, doubt, and resentment as much, but you also don’t feel the joy, spontaneity, and peace of mind. So you’re sacrificing both the good and the bad for the neutral middle ground, which never really feels quite right. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to laugh and be spontaneous. You deserve to be able to express and react to whatever you are truly feeling. If you’re just going through the motions, then you’re allowing his affair to take these things away from you, which are expressions of yourself, and that’s certainly not fair.
Wives often tell me they don’t want to be like this, but they don’t know how to stop. They can’t seem to get out of this rut and worry that in order to feel numb any longer, they have to conjure up so much anger or some dramatic emotions that they don’t really seem to feel. This is really not the case. Often just allowing yourself to think or face this when you’re ready will naturally bring out your honest feelings and reactions. And this does not mean that you have to react negatively to them. Just sit with them and acknowledge that they are there. You don’t need to do this when your children are around.
Often once you allow yourself to feel, you will also need some things from you and your husband to begin to heal. Often you will want answers. Often you will want to know if (or that) he really feels it. Often you will need a workable plan to rehabilitate your marriage (if you want to save it) and you will need a few things to help restore your self-esteem and sense of confidence. This may seem like a lot to think about and take on, but it really is a gradual process that you can take at your own pace.
And it is preferable to allow this to absorb all your emotions and your ability to really experience and embrace life. It is true that working on this is difficult. But, it’s the only way to ensure that you’ll actually get your life back on your own terms instead of just being numb to everything going on around you. Because this, to me, is as tragic as the matter.
