“The price of greatness is responsibility.”
-Winston Churchill
“One word probably sums up the responsibility of any vice president, and that word is ‘be prepared.’
-Dan Quayle
If you’ve never been a best man before, or if you’ve done it and did relatively incomplete work, you may think that your duties start with the bachelor party and end with a speech at the reception. Wrong. Those are perhaps two of your most important and well-known tasks, but your list of potential responsibilities may include any of many others.
In my vast experience as a wedding attendant, I’ve generally seen three types of weddings (and by ‘weddings’ I mean the whole thing, from planning to honeymoon):
- The anal wedding, according to the book, “crossing all the Ts-points-all-Es”;
- The totally laid back wedding, “whatever, man, we just want to have fun”; Y
- A mix of formal structure and trouser seat.
For the number one guy above, you are expected to be like the lead in a play, remembering where to be and when, with a long to-do list. This is where the term “Bridezilla” comes from.
For type number two, you may just need to host a loose bachelor party, wear clean clothes for the ceremony, and prepare a fun speech for the reception. This is where the terms “Hippie” and “Stoner” come from.
Type number three represents the vast majority of bridal settings – a mix of tradition, nuance, and originality. Creativity within the confines of a standard ceremony and reception.
What to do first
Because there are so many potential variations and expectations, the way to know where you stand (literally and metaphorically) and the level and importance of your responsibilities is to ask.
These are your first three tasks once you’ve been asked to be the sponsor:
Homework 1: Shortly after your friend the groom asks you to endorse him and be his best man, you should ask him (or ask him to ask his fiancee) which of the following traditional best man jobs he may be responsible for. Copy and paste the list below and ask your boyfriend or fiancée to select the tasks for which you may be responsible:
Before the wedding
Attend all pre-wedding parties, including rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.
· Deal with tuxedo trimmings for ushers and groomsmen.
Pick up the groom’s formal wear before the wedding.
If it is a less formal wedding, what exactly Is it expected to wear?
Give and organize the order of toasts in the rehearsal dinner (not just the reception after the wedding)
Confirmation of travel arrangements and payment of catering, officiating, etc. for the couple on their wedding day
At the wedding
Bringing the groom to the wedding, helping him dress (manly, of course), and making sure all items are returned to the groom’s house and / or the tuxedo shop afterward.
· Be in charge of all ushers.
Bring a copy of any seating plan for the ushers’ reference.
Checking that men’s boutonnieres are being worn on the left lapel, go down.
· Make sure the wedding service is paid for.
· Make sure the groom has the marriage license.
Signature of the marriage certificate as a witness.
Keep the bride’s wedding ring until it is time for the groom to place it on the bride’s ring finger.
Standing next to the bride in the reception line.
· Organization of the groomsmen for formal photographs.
Carrying out any task or errand that the groom or the mother of the bride requests at the ceremony.
In the reception
Be the first at the reception to welcome the bride and groom.
Be seated at the head table or at an honor table.
Be the social lubricant to help guests who don’t know each other connect comfortably.
Dancing with the bride and the maid of honor. You should also dance with the two mothers and with as many people as possible at the reception. It is not a joke.
Beyond giving your own toast, being in charge of reading the messages to the boyfriends of those who could not attend the ceremony.
Being in charge of gathering the singles for the launch of the league.
Make sure couples’ suitcases are loaded into the getaway car.
Verify that the groom has all the tickets, hotel information, traveler’s checks and everything he needs for the honeymoon.
Ensure that the formal wear of all ushers and groomsmen is returned to the tuxedo shop. If the groom’s appeal belongs to the groom, make sure everything is clean before returning it to the groom’s house.
Bills
· Pay for formal wear and accessories.
· Pay all travel expenses.
Give a parting gift and a wedding gift
· Assume all expenses associated with the bachelor party (I recommend sharing the expenses that will be all present except the groom. See the bachelor party section for more information).
Other things
Ask if you will be assigned other tasks that are not on the above lists.
Task 2: For the bachelor party, contact the groom and suggest some good dates (at least 2 weeks before the wedding if possible), a list of attendees, ask him what kind of party he would NOT like and if he would prefer a Plan of activities / party shorter (one night) or longer (a couple of days).
Task 3: Once you know what tasks are expected of you, it’s time to set up a timeline for the task list. This is a list of your responsibilities over time. This is a crucial step in your sponsor duties. Doing this and doing it right is the key difference between overwhelming and being in control from the start.
Knowing the full nature of your sponsor duties early on and getting organized early on are two of the most important parts of being a great sponsor. Once you have them nailed, the rest will be a breeze.