I often hear from people looking for tips or advice on how to set up a trial or martial separation. Many simply don’t know what to expect. And they want to make sure they’re doing things as close to the right thing as possible to give them the best chance of saving their marriage. They are afraid of overstepping the limits and not going far enough. They worry that they will try too hard or not hard enough. And these things can feel very awkward because navigating a breakup is hard enough without worrying about the etiquette involved.
I heard from one wife who said, “My husband is moving in with his cousin for a while because he wants to try a trial separation. His cousin lives an hour and a half away. I wonder how often you’re supposed to see your spouse?” while you’re apart? How often are you supposed to call? Are you supposed to date? Or do you leave your spouse alone? Forgive me if I sound stupid, but I have no idea what the proper separation etiquette is. I want watch it as much as possible, but I don’t want to push too hard.”
The thing is, there really is no separation etiquette or rule book that speaks to the right or wrong way to handle your separation. Rather, it’s usually about finding that happy middle ground where both people feel comfortable and as receptive as possible to save the marriage. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
Don’t worry about good or bad. Worry about what works best for both of you: Some couples will be apart for a very short time and find that they miss each other a lot and want to spend more time together right away. You may hear people advising you to play hard to get or not to get too anxious too soon. This kind of advice has its place. But I don’t see anything wrong with seeing your spouse regularly if you both clearly want to see each other, things are going well, and you enjoy each other’s company. That said, there’s a risk of getting so caught up in the missing your spouse part that you’re not addressing what led to the separation in the first place.
Sometimes you find that one spouse wants a lot of contact and the other is not sure how comfortable they are with this and wants some time alone, especially at first. This is fine, and it’s best not to push too hard when your spouse wants space. Give them some time to miss you instead of allowing them to think you’re bothering them so much that even when they’re apart, they don’t get the time they asked for.
There is a balance between too much togetherness and not enough: As I just mentioned, some people ask me if they should play hardball. Many people fear rejection, so they wonder if maybe they should have their spouse approach them. Many ask me if they should ignore their spouse or pretend they are doing other things. Overall, I think it’s okay to give the impression that you’re coping or busy, but you don’t want to take this too far and imply that you don’t have time for your spouse when you really do.
At the same time, if you notice any resistance from your spouse when you call, meet or communicate with them, then pay attention to those signs and maybe see if they will contact you next time. There is a very delicate balance between not being too available and not being available enough. One of the real goals of a breakup is to see if space and time make you miss each other, intensify your feelings, and clarify your desires. Let this process run its course. If you don’t give your spouse time to experience these things, you may both end up frustrated and thinking the breakup was a failure when that doesn’t have to be the case.
So how often should you see your spouse during the separation: There is not an answer for every couple. It’s best to ask your spouse about her feelings on this issue before you actually leave. It’s usually easier to make your expectations clear ahead of time, before awkwardness or misunderstandings arise.
However, if you have not established an understanding in advance, then you will have to feel your way. I think it’s important to talk (and preferably meet) on a regular basis. This doesn’t have to be every day, but every week can be good. You don’t want to let so much time go by that things get awkward between you. And, if you meet some resistance, wait until things get better and move on to other things until next time. Often this will generate some interest from your spouse. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you are always the aggressor, but make it clear that you are still involved in your marriage and that you can and will make the time.
At the end of the day, how often you see your spouse depends on the desires of both of you. He may want less and you may want more, and that’s why compromises exist. Try to move slowly and take advantage of every successful interaction. You don’t want to seem too anxious, but you don’t want to let too much time go by between these interactions.
I sometimes tell couples that they will usually know when the rhythm is right because both people feel comfortable and can’t wait to see each other next time. When you find your spouse avoiding you or making excuses, then it might be time to reevaluate. But if your spouse is receptive to your request to meet and you both feel comfortable and happy, then there is no need to play games.
So for me, the answer to the question is that it’s okay to see your spouse as often as you’re both comfortable with. But, if there is any resistance, it is better to back off until things start to improve.
