Q: I seem to outdo myself before I start. I catch myself trying to talk myself out of doing something because of all the obstacles I see. And then I end up regretting not having done anything and I get more and more frustrated. A friend of mine pointed this pattern out to me, but neither of us knows what to do about it. That I have to do?
A: I know what it is.
It’s your stinky thought.
Both of the thought patterns you describe are examples of stinky thinking, or, put another way, thoughts that are so useless they stink. Another way to think of them is as SDT or self-defeating thoughts. The two that seem to be hanging on you the most are so common that I even have special names for them: Mr. Yabuts and Mrs. Ifonly Ida. Let’s take a closer look at each of these stinky thinking SDT patterns and then how to change them.
MR. YABUTS
Mr. Yabuts rears his ugly head when we say something like: “YES, I really need to do that, BUT…”. We can easily “yes, but” ourselves in inaction _ defeated before we even begin. Yes, but they are counterproductive, but they fulfill a self-protective function. If you can convince yourself that there is no point in even trying to do what you want, then you are no longer in danger of trying and failing. While this can protect him, it also paralyzes him.
Mr. Yabuts also appears in the business world and serves as a good example of how to change this self-defeating pattern. Many times when a solution is offered, someone will say, “Yes, but…”. This is followed by all the reasons why the idea won’t work. A useful alternative to “yes, but” is “yes, and…”. followed by a realistic list of the problems and, here is the crucial part, a reasonable plan of action to deal with them.
In our personal lives, we usually say “yes, but” when we dream of something we want, we get scared and then try to talk ourselves out of pursuing our dreams. Instead of stopping with “yes, but”, we should ask ourselves “and what stops me?”
The answer is usually ourselves. The same solution applies: make a list of the obstacles and then create a reasonable plan to deal with them effectively.
MS. IFONO ONLY ONE WAY
Mrs. Ifonly Ida appears as a form of self-defeating regret, as in “If only there were (fill in the blank), then everything would be fine.”
The purpose of healthy repentance is to help us learn from our mistakes, not to make the same ones over and over again.
By focusing on the past, Ifonly Ida robs you of your present and future. Has she ever tried to drive her car looking only in the rear view mirror? It’s a silly idea, but that’s how we live our lives when we get caught up in Ifonly Ida.
When you catch yourself using this particular kind of self-defeating thinking, stop and ask yourself some better questions, like, “What can I learn from this situation?” “What mistakes did I make that I don’t want to make again?” “How can I use what I have experienced and learned to live better the next time I am faced with a similar situation?”
These questions help you do two important things with past regrets: make room for them because they happened, and not acknowledging them prevents you from learning from them; and put the past regret in its place, which is behind you. You are then able to live in such a way that you create few or no future regrets.
One way to avoid future regrets is to ask yourself, “How will I feel about this decision tomorrow, a year from now, and at the end of my life?” Learn and then live to have as few Ifonly Idas as possible in the future.
Mr. Yabuts or Mrs. Ifonly Ida are bad enough each on their own. Combine them and you have established a vicious circle that keeps you stuck. Get rid of one of them, and you’ll be doing better. Get rid of both, and you’re on your way.
My suggestion is to get both out of your brain, because they are taking up a lot of space and they don’t pay rent.