Sometimes I hear from women who, after a certain amount of time, begin to feel a little annoyed, frustrated, angry, or resentful about not getting engaged or getting married. And, as time goes by, these negative feelings build up in such a way that it starts to damage the relationship. The great irony of all this is that this entire process can actually make a marriage or engagement less likely and become a vicious cycle.
I heard a woman say, “I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. I hate to call him that, my boyfriend. We’re in our late twenties and that’s too old to call someone your boyfriend. Right now, we’ve lived together for two years and a half. He knows I want to get married, but it’s taking a long time. We own our apartment together, but other than this, there’s nothing legally binding us together. I’m worried that if something happened to either of us, the other he would not have any legal power to make decisions. I am angry that he has put me in this position. I feel like he thinks I am good enough to live with me, but not good enough to marry. And I find myself sulky and sarcastic with him because of my anger. At this rate, I feel that this whole process is going to damage our relationship. I can’t seem to control my feelings. I have a right to be angry. What can I do? I will try to address these concerns in the next article.
Understand that if left unchecked, this cycle can really damage or even destroy your relationship: Many couples get caught up in this cycle and just get so used to it that they start to imagine it will always be this way. They assume that no one is going to blink first, so they will always be standing still, waiting to see who is going to make the first move. That’s why they often don’t even see the end of their relationship coming. This cycle has killed many relationships precisely because people start to believe that nothing is ever going to change. And eventually, one or both parties decide they don’t want to live this way anymore.
Consider agreeing to file the issue and then come back to it at the agreed upon time: This is what you have to understand. It is possible that eventually, this problem will become a central problem in your relationship. And, when this happens, the whole dynamic of your relationship changes, and this change is not for the better. It seems like everything always comes back to this one thing and you can’t seem to regain your balance or move on.
In my experience and observation, it is better for you to put this topic on the shelf for a while if you find that your relationship is deteriorating. Sometimes when I explain this to people, they think I’m telling them to give up or just accept that he doesn’t want to marry you. This is not what I am hinting at at all. I’m just saying if he agrees to put it on the shelf and then reevaluate it, he wins a thing or two. First, you limit the damage to your relationship. In order for him to commit to you, he needs to be reassured that the relationship is worthy of that commitment. The chances of this happening are less if you simply cannot overcome your differences of opinion on this issue.
Second, if you can get him to agree to come back to this topic later, then you commit to thinking very seriously about getting engaged at a later time. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a huge win and a huge bonus. Because as of now, you don’t have that. And when he lets go of the problem, he refocuses on his relationship. The tension subsides and things can go back to being okay between you. This way, when the two of you discuss this again at that set time, hopefully your relationship has recovered to the point where he’s comfortable committing. If not, then it may be time to dig a little deeper to determine why you don’t feel comfortable committing.
