The following article discusses “require” and “prefer.” Understanding the difference between these irrational and rational types of thinking is key to mental toughness. Demands are rigid thought patterns and rules, where we insist that others, the world, and ourselves must be a certain way in order for us to be happy. Albert Ellis, a pioneer of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), called this rigid thinking “demand.”
Petitions they are rigid and inflexible rules about how others, ourselves and life should or should not be, so that we are happy. Having rigid beliefs and rules can cause us anxiety, frustration and depression. Demands will often contain the words “must” and “should”, such as:
“Everyone must like and approve of me.”
“I must be absolutely competent in everything I do.”
“The world should always be a fair place.”
preferences are flexible ideas about how we would like things to be, without demanding and insisting that they should always be like this, such as:
“It would be nice if everyone liked me and approved of me, but it’s not necessary.”
“I want to be competent in everything I do, but I don’t have to be.”
“I would like the world to be a fair place, but unfortunately it doesn’t have to be the way I want it to be.”
Having preferences rather than demands does not mean that we should not have high values or standards; The point is whether our demands are pragmatic and help us in our goals and objectives, or they are rigid, unrealistic and impractical. The key is to be flexible and accept that people and things won’t always go our way and that having rigid and fixed rules is useless and irrational.
Here is an example regarding perfectionism. Suppose I have a demanding rule that says “I must give an absolutely perfect presentation or I will look useless and inept.” If I hold onto this irrational belief, the consequences are likely to be that I’ll feel unnecessarily anxious and worry will make me lose sleep. I’ll overprepare and have too many notes, which will cause more concern about how I’ll fit all the material into a set presentation time. I’ll be too nervous and worry that I’ll freeze and my mind will go blank. I can predict a catastrophe, make too much of the presentation, and imagine losing my job.
Alternatively, I may have a preference like “I’d like to make a perfect presentation, but it doesn’t have to be 100 percent perfect.” In this case, I’m more likely to focus on covering the essential points rather than worry about trying to be perfect, realizing that there is no such thing as a “perfect” presentation. And besides, it’s unrealistic to expect the entire audience to be paying attention all the time. If the audience is students, they are probably hungover or tired.
Here’s another example for anyone visiting or living in London who uses the Tube trains; where we are expected to let passengers off the train before boarding. If I have the demand that “people should always let me off the train first, before they start getting on” then I will get angry and upset regularly, as often people will start getting on to get a seat. . Of course, many times people will wait for me to get off before going on, but because I have such a rigid and demanding rule, I will still feel tense with the anticipation that my rule will be broken at any moment. .
Alternatively, instead of having such a rigid and demanding rule, I can have a preference like “I’d rather people let me go first, but in reality this won’t always be the case.” By having a preference instead of a demand, I am being realistic and can accept that others do not have the same rules. By keeping a flexible preference, I’m less likely to get angry or upset.
We often seek to change other people and get frustrated in our attempts, however we can change ourselves and how we react to other people and events; we can stay in control and be fully responsible for our actions, thoughts and emotions.
Being flexible and able to adapt is key to mental toughness.
Greetings
phil pearl
