In the first days and hours after learning about your spouse’s affair, you may be too angry, too shocked, and too raw to have any expectations of how either of you should act. But after reality has a bit of time to settle in, we all want to see some sort of acknowledgment of wrongdoing. We want to see him make some kind of gesture of sorrow or regret.
Unfortunately, this is not what many wives get. Some husbands seem to go out of their way to be as nasty and indignant as possible. It’s almost like they think her wife, that she didn’t do anything wrong, deserves her punishment because she caught him. A wife might say, “My husband doesn’t care at all that I caught him cheating. He also doesn’t seem to care that he hurt me. He acts like he’s surprised that I’m surprised. He says that I was fully aware that our marriage was struggling.” He said I know his father cheated on his mother throughout the marriage He said he never promised me complete fidelity.
And he says I know he won’t leave me. So he doesn’t understand why I’m acting so outraged. He does not apologize for this. He acts like he has to deal with it or get over it. He doesn’t care at all. I am so sad about this. And I’m not sure if I want to save my marriage if this man is so indifferent. I wish I didn’t care either. But I can’t help but worry. He is only human. How is it possible that he doesn’t care at all?”
To be honest, I highly doubt he doesn’t care at all. That would require you to have absolutely no conscience. And if that were true, you would have known about this deficiency before now. A complete lack of conscience is simply not true of most people, especially people who care enough about someone to marry them, make a home with them, and have a life with them.
Be on the lookout for excuses and justifications meant to lessen your guilt and pain: What your husband has said sounds like a bunch of excuses designed to lessen the consequences of what he has done. He may even be trying to convince himself that his actions were understandable. He may realize that what he’s done isn’t ideal and just plain wrong, but he’s trying to justify it somehow by believing that most men cheat and most marriages survive. (Most of us would dispute these points, but men who have recently been caught cheating are often willing to believe this, at least at the time.)
Denial and self-preservation are additional ways to decrease guiltT: What your husband is doing is not that unusual. It is a form of denial. And it is also a form of self-preservation. It’s easier not to judge yourself so harshly. It’s hard to look in the mirror and realize that you have only destroyed what you and your spouse have worked for. It’s heartbreaking to look in the mirror and see someone who has committed that kind of betrayal. It’s easier when you can convince yourself that what you’ve done isn’t so bad or is understandable in some way.
Fortunately, this often doesn’t go on forever. Even people who would rather stay in denial will usually come back to reality eventually. After a while, it becomes increasingly difficult to ignore reality and stop seeing the obvious signs. Sometimes, you will find that he comes and you don’t have to do anything.
Wives sometimes tell me that their husband is never really going to care because he has withdrawn from the marriage. I find that even in those cases, there is still regret. Most people realize that regardless of their relationship status or circumstances, there are other options besides cheating. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that at least I think he would be a weirdo who doesn’t care at all. Sure, he may be trying to give you (or themselves) that impression, but it rarely lasts.
Consequences will sometimes speed things up: If your spouse doesn’t come to this conclusion on their own, sometimes just seeing the consequences of their actions will change their mind. Once he sees that his life can’t help but change and that the people he cares about have been affected, he may begin to feel how much he cares and can show it. However, he can still take a stance for a while.
It’s really up to you whether or not you want to be patient to see if your posture changes. Sometimes if you go to counseling the counselor will help you get this out of him because regardless of what’s going on in your marriage, it helps to know that he realizes what he’s done and that he cares the same.
