Sometimes I hear from wives who feel quite criticized and unaccepted by their husbands. One of the common complaints is that the wife is “not trying anymore” or “she has gotten carried away.” I fully admit that I often side with the wives on this issue. Because I’ve been on the receiving end of this criticism and I feel like most of the time it’s pretty unfair and it’s a bit of a double standard. However, it is often the reality. And if not addressed, it can leave her marriage in trouble or even end him.

A wife might explain it this way: “Last Friday night, my husband approached me about going out to dinner. He said he felt like celebrating because it was the weekend. exhausted. On top of that, I carpooled all week and had to take my son to orchestra practice that night. Honestly, I just wanted to turn on ‘Dateline’ and get into my pajamas. I asked my husband if he would mind ordering pizza. and going out on Saturday. He sighed heavily as if I told him I’d never go out again instead of asking for a postponement. He whispered under his breath, ‘you never make an effort for me anymore.’ I asked him what the hell he was talking about. He said I don’t make an effort to spend time with him, look pretty for him, and make time just for him. He said that by the time I give myself to him, I’m too exhausted. He’s right about that. I’m exhausted by him. weekend. And I feel that The last thing I want to do is get dressed up and stay up late. I think he is selfish of me. that he pouts like a child when I don’t do exactly what he wants when he wants. We all get dressed on Sundays to go to church and then we eat out. It’s not like he never saw me dressed. He says I don’t do things to make him feel special, but he doesn’t always do this for me either and I don’t always expect it because I know we live in the real world and have adult responsibilities. Our children’s needs and commitments often come first and yes, sometimes we spread out a lot, but our children will only be with us for a certain period of time before and they are adults.

I sympathize Frankly, Friday night in my pajamas and in front of my TV is also healing me. It can feel like my sanctuary at times and I often invite my husband to sit and watch alongside me. I wait for it and protect it. So I know exactly how you feel. And I don’t think it’s selfish of you to ask. But I also get a lot of correspondence from men who describe situations very similar to this one. The problem is extremely real for them. And I’ve heard that it leads to separations and divorces. Also, I think that in some ways that was a problem in my own marriage before my separation, although it was not the only one.

So I would never tell you to ignore the problem. In my opinion, that simply would not be wise. You would get what you wanted temporarily, but your husband would not. And he might resent this or he might feel like you’re not listening to him or that you just don’t care.

I think probably the best solution here is to try to strike a balance and that’s not always easy. We are often inclined to try to reason with our husband. We will try to explain to him how tired we are and how he must know how much we love him. And he may agree on the surface, but he may be deeply angry that his wife is not giving him what he thinks she needs. And he may start to withdraw from you or become distant. So you make less effort in response and it becomes a destructive cycle.

I think there is possibly a more effective way to make your point. The next time you feel like it, find a babysitter, get dressed, and give your husband exactly what he’s been waiting for. When he’s happy and content with this, tell him that you wish you could do this all the time, but that it’s not always possible due to your commitments. Tell her husband that she could help if she could cover orchestra practice on Friday so she won’t be so tired. Or maybe the two of you could be very honest about how often he needs to “exercise” and how often he needs to relax.

Sometimes the easiest way to handle this is to schedule regular outings for him and regular rest for you. That way everyone knows what to expect and no one feels slighted or ignored. It can be tricky to create a schedule that makes everyone happy, but it’s worth it. And it’s so much easier to navigate this now than it is to have to try to save your marriage later because you didn’t address it.

I have found it helpful to see “strive” as a mime. It’s easy to get frustrated and think you “have” to groom yourself because of them when you’d be happy in your pajamas. But the truth is that every time I do this, I feel better and I’m glad I put in the effort. Also, my husband’s reaction is always very sweet and endearing and makes me feel closer to him. I know the challenges of managing fatigue when you’re trying to be all things to all people. And there will be days when, honestly, you will have to take a raincheck. But you don’t want to get into the habit of always taking a raincheck. Taking care of your marriage is very important, even when there are children. Especially when there are children. You are modeling the marriage you could one day have. And ideally, you want them to make time for their marriages, too.