Sometimes I hear of people who no longer see the same person they have always loved when they look at their spouse. Many begin to believe that their spouse has “got carried away.” They feel that you no longer take pride in your appearance or your health. And this affects the way they see you as a person, a father and a husband.
A spouse might explain it this way: “When I married my husband, he was a wonderful-looking man. Frankly, he took my breath away every time I looked at him. Of course, that was over fifteen years ago and I know there are There isn’t a person alive today who looks as good as fifteen years ago. I know this is simply not possible. But it would help if my husband cared even a little about his appearance. He doesn’t care at all. If he doesn’t scolded, he wouldn’t even change his clothes or shower on the weekends. I have to remind him to cut his hair and I have to tell him when his clothes get dirty and need to be replaced. “Sometimes, I’m embarrassed to go out with him because he gets look disheveled I don’t expect him to look like a male model, but I would like him to be fit and well groomed. When I mention this to him, he gets angry and says that I’m a high maintenance person who is too concerned with appearances and not concerned enough with what he is on the inside. I don’t think this is true. I don’t go overboard with my appearance, but I do want to look like I put in at least minimal effort. Honestly, the way my husband is acting makes me think less of him. He makes me think that he is a scruffy and lazy person. And I’m not sure I want to marry someone like that. He reflects me badly. The other day we were watching a movie and the main character was fat, rude and lazy. My husband laughed at the guy and called him a “clueless bum.” But honestly, my husband reminded me of this guy. And he clearly doesn’t even see it. If I push this too hard or tell him how I really feel, I’m afraid I’ll hurt his feelings. I love him, but I don’t love the way he presents himself anymore.”
As you are clearly already well aware, this is a touching situation. I don’t think you should beat yourself up too much for wanting your spouse to look their best, as long as you’re realistic about it. People get old. No one looks the same as the day they got married. But part of wanting to be a good spouse in a good marriage is taking care of yourself for the good of all. And I don’t fully mean that in terms of physical appearance. I also mean it in terms of physical and emotional health. Taking health risks puts your family at risk. And not being as emotionally healthy as you can be means you can’t do your best for your marriage and family.
But, as you already suspect, this is a delicate situation. Because if you approach this the wrong way, your spouse will hear it as criticism and he may feel unloved, which could make the problem worse. Before I get into suggestions on how to approach this delicately, I’d like to mention one possibility. Some very common symptoms of depression include giving up caring about your appearance and letting hygiene slip a bit. I’m certainly not a counselor, but if you notice other behaviors that could indicate depression, it’s important to address them. Because a depressed person will have a very difficult time making meaningful changes until the depression is addressed.
However, if you don’t think depression is kicking in, then I think the best way to manage this is to try to work it into your regimen. This is what I mean. He had a friend who was extremely annoyed by her husband’s long and disgusting nails. She asked him to do something about it, but he called her judgmental and an argument ensued. So, she dumped him, but the next time she went to get a manicure and pedicure, she lured her husband over and told her it was going to be a date, followed by dinner and some alone time. The husband couldn’t get dressed fast enough and he ended up enjoying the pampering once he saw other men there. Now, my friend’s husband no longer has the nasty toenail problem and feels closer to her husband. They enjoy this time together.
So take it to your living room. Take her clothes shopping. Take it to your gym. Now, you have to admit, you’re going to have to sell him all these things. You are going to have to do this in a playful and flirty way so that he thinks that you are trying to spend time with him instead of trying to change him. And often you’ll have to make it sound like a fun, romantic fling you’re sharing in order for him to willingly participate. But you shouldn’t have to do this for long. Because once he sees how happy you are with these changes and once you give him positive reinforcement, he will see that these changes weren’t too much to ask of him and that they are worth it, because he is being asked to give so little. , but he is getting a lot in return.
