It pains me to say that I am old enough to remember that employment consultants told people to use “I’m a bit of a perfectionist” as an answer to the classic interview question about strengths. Thanks to the work in the field of psychology and the writings of popular authors like Brene ‘Brown, most of us now realize that the burning need to be perfect all the time can be destructive. While striving for perfection seems like a laudable goal, perfectionism actually gets out of hand very quickly and can have some horrible results.
The desire to always be perfect can lead to a worry-filled procrastination and a life full of unfinished projects. Everybody to know deep down that it is impossible to be perfect. This knowledge can lead the out-of-control perfectionist to postpone starting or ending work because they know the end result will likely not be perfect. In the end, this means that nothing is accomplished, while the perfectionist waits for the perfect time and perfect conditions.
While you wait for everything to go well, perfectionism makes you sick and miserable. Perfectionists tend to have more anxiety, migraines, depression, and chronic pain conditions. However, they may be reluctant to seek medical help until their symptoms are unbearable for fear of looking weak or deficient.
It may not make you look weak, but perfectionism can make you look tough, tough, and unforgiving. Perfectionists who try to hold others to their own impossible standards become difficult partners and bosses. They seem unreasonable and mean, or they are completely disconnected from how things work in the real world. Colleagues, friends, and family can begin to avoid these picky eaters, and this isolation can further baffle perfectionists and make them become even more committed to their goal of being perfect, sometimes triggering depression and anxiety.
Just hearing “no one is perfect” or “we all make mistakes” is not enough to reset the perfectionist’s brain. You already know, on an intellectual level, that mistakes are a normal part of life and that absolute perfection is impossible. However, that doesn’t change how they feel. Perfection holds the promise of acceptance, respect, and even love in the perfectionist’s mind. It will take more than a catchphrase to change this kind of thinking. If you are a perfectionist and want to change, what can you do?
Start by trying to understand perfectionism in general and your own perfectionist tendencies. There is a lot of good literature and interesting videos available. In addition to Brene ‘Brown, check out comments from Charley Haversat or Dr. Martin M. Antony. Not everyone defines perfectionism in the same way, and it can be helpful to look at some definitions and ask if any of them ring true to you. Honestly assess whether your need to be perfect is a problem for you or those around you.
Realize that your past is not your present and it should not be your future. Many perfectionists are created in the melting pot of a demanding family or an inflexible school system. As an adult, you are in charge of running your life. You may need to work with a coach or therapist, but you can set your own reasonable standards. Make sure the voice in your head that assesses your expectations is one that you respect and not just an echo from childhood.
Recognize the difference between the pursuit of excellence and perfectionism. Moving away from perfectionism does not mean that we settle for sloppy, substandard, and shoddy work as the norm. You don’t have to give up your high (reasonable) standards. Progress requires trial and error, and a willingness to be wrong. Staying in your safe zone to avoid mistakes will severely limit your chances. However, completely abandoning any expectation of higher-quality work can have the same impact of career stagnation. Real effort that results in excellence is still a commendable way of life. The key to recovering from perfectionism is learning to accept mistakes as natural and neutral, then and only then can you move on to learn from them and even value their existence.
