There are a lot of tough and tough problems after an affair and sometimes I get emails asking for advice on how to handle them. One of the most common is “should I confront the other woman?” Or “should I meet my husband’s mistress?” These are loaded questions. It is understandable to want answers and doubt that your husband is giving you honest answers to all of them. It is common to want to know who this woman is, what she is like and what her husband sees in her. But there are several negative aspects that can occur after such a meeting. I’ll discuss them, as well as a few other things to consider, in the next article.
Why you probably want to talk to “the other woman”:Many wives want to confront or talk to the other woman because doing so will remove much of the mystery from the image of her in your mind. She fantasizes that meeting her will allow you to see who you are dealing with. Perhaps you can let him know without hesitation that he needs to get away from your husband. Perhaps you can make him understand that his callous actions are destroying a family. Perhaps you can get the “true story” from someone who has no reason to lie. All of these things seem perfectly reasonable when they are still only in your mind, but the reality of the situation almost always turns out quite different. Sometimes meeting with her can be a disaster and can make your situation worse. This is a potentially seriously unhealthy situation for you, which I will explain in more detail below.
Why so many things can go wrong if you confront your husband’s lover: Believe me when I tell you that I understand what you are feeling right now. I once camped behind the dumpster in my husband’s office waiting for her to pass. (However, I flinched when it came time to confront her.) But, let’s think about this for a second. I would bet that you are thinking about facing her because you think it will make you feel better or improve your situation. But how likely do you think this really is?
Unless this woman is kind, apologetic, and trustworthy, it is highly doubtful that you will have a positive experience. I dialogue with women in this situation almost daily and I can tell you that it is extremely rare that this turns out well. It almost always makes the wife feel worse. Because what usually happens is that the “other woman” is not receptive, communicative or empathetic. No, he is often very happy to expose in detail how you were misled. She will put all the blame on your husband and try to paint herself as the innocent part. She will insist that her husband approached her without any encouragement. And she will try to imply that her husband is giving her a misleading version of how things are currently.
I realize that if the adventure is still fresh, it is very likely that you have doubts about the story your husband is telling you. But, you are not likely to get a true account of this woman. She has been cheating on you with bad intentions the whole time. You have no record with her. The best thing for her is to paint herself in the most positive way while kicking her husband to the sidewalk. Or, at times, you will try to paint the relationship as a storybook love story, that you are too many people that you just can’t part. Maybe this is how she sees it, but her husband may see it completely differently.
Who do you really want to get your information from ?: Let’s think about this rationally. The reasoning behind her desire to speak to her husband’s mistress is probably as follows:
1. You want to tell her to stay away from her husband.
2. You want him to understand the damage he has caused.
3. You want to evaluate it and see what it looks like.
4. You want to hear their side of the story.
5. You think it will make you feel better.
6. You expect her to get away from your husband.
Well, your husband had better complete some of these goals. You have a history with him, whether you want to save your marriage or not. It is a better option to allow him to make it clear to you that the relationship is over and the pain it has caused. And this is what will make you feel better. It is not seeing and evaluating the other woman. You are repairing your own self-esteem and restoring trust and intimacy in your marriage. It is strengthening and improving your marriage, so much so that it no longer crosses your mind. She can’t do these things for you (and wouldn’t want to).
I understand that you want revenge on her. That is perfectly normal. But do you know what the best revenge is? Let her be nothing more than a momentary regret. Do not let her enter your life anymore. Set her aside like the momentary troublesome little mosquito that she is and don’t give her the satisfaction of seeing how she’s affected you. Because at the end of the day, what she doesn’t want is for the man she’s stayed with to become happy and fulfilled again with his wife. She doesn’t want you to get this role back. How sweet it will be when you do. Your happiness and sanity is the best revenge. As she feels regretful and ashamed, behave with grace and dignity and worry about her own health and happiness, without giving her more concern and concern than she deserves.