THE FIRST BIG STEP

You have made the big decision. You have registered on one of the Internet dating sites and you are not alone. 80% of people over the age of 38 who are actively looking for relationships use the Internet to meet potential partners. But no one really tells us how to deal with it. It’s a new phenomenon in our lives and certainly very different from being introduced by a friend or meeting through shared interests.

You’ve spent hours going through your profile and even a couple of friends have looked at it for you. You’ve tried to hone every facet of your personality in a few paragraphs, tried some humor, and tried to be open (but not too revealing!) You’ve played long enough and posted along with thousands of others. Perhaps you were also brave enough to find a photograph; they say it makes a big difference in the number of responses you get.

1. Congratulations: This is a bold move. Now stay in charge of the process.

ANTICIPATION, ANTICIPATION, ANTICIPATION

As much as I try to be realistic, everyone, upon signing up, will have some level of excitement in anticipation of meeting someone online. We’ve heard all the stories, maybe you have a friend or colleague who has met someone special in this way and you want it to happen to you too. You initially browse the pages of potential people and begin to develop fantasies about who these people might be and whether they might be interested in you. All of this creates a huge amount of steam and your roller coaster ride has begun. Initially, you find yourself logging in frequently to see if there are any messages.

2. Put limits on the time you spend on the Internet. It can easily become a compulsion.

SHOULD I WAIT OR SHOULD I POST – SENDING MESSAGES

So are you going to wait and see if people respond to your profile or wait for someone to message you? The middle house is tagging someone as a “favorite” (or whatever the version of that particular site is). Inevitably, and this is particularly difficult for women, you decide to send a message. For whatever reason, there still exists, even in this internet age, the notion that men should be the first to approach and women worry about being seen as too aggressive/sass if they send the first message. This is a good time to pause. Think about it, you have registered; the purpose is to meet someone. That’s the point of the site, so why would you play the part of the reluctant flower and wait for someone to choose you?

3. Always be THE VOTER, there is a difference between being proactive on your own behalf and being pushy. Learn the difference and respond to people who say thank you.

THE WAITING GAME – GET/DON’T GET ANSWERS

Now you can expect everything to happen at once, in fact some people find that when you are new to a site there will be a flurry of activity. Look at this, there are many who are looking for new people and ‘flirt’ with anyone even without reading your profile. Take it easy at first, yes you start to feel the roller coaster going up at a fast pace. A ‘real person’ has replied to you, so it must mean something. No, unfortunately it doesn’t mean anything at this stage. This is where you really need to keep the emotional brakes on. It’s so easy to turn fantasies into really grand visions of your future together.

On the other hand, there could be a giant silence from the other side of the network; Can you feel the roller coaster plunging? Above all remember to live a life while you wait. Don’t stay at your computer all night hoping for an answer. Isn’t it inevitable that the person you messaged also has a life and hasn’t seen your message yet or had time to consider a reply? Just because you sent a message doesn’t mean you’ll get a reply. Sad but true, you will soon learn that many people on these sites never respond and are just there to browse. Also, not everyone who has a profile is a paid subscriber to the service.

4. Be realistic, get on with your life, and make the website just one of the things you’re doing to meet potential dates.

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT – INADEQUATE ANSWERS

Yes, it happens more often than we all would like, especially women. That completely inappropriate response to your initial message, whether it’s over the top sexual advances or the other person is already in love with you and wants to meet you right away. It’s time for those roller coaster brakes again. Obviously, the sexual advance may seem flattering, but is this the first expression of interest you’d like? Likewise, someone who wants to meet up right away is probably erring on the “too eager” side and her antennae should be high.

5. Don’t fall into the trap that any answer is better than no answer. If it doesn’t feel right for you for whatever reason, don’t do it.

CAN THEY BE ANNOYING? – LATTERED ANSWERS

But most of the time you’ll probably get mediocre responses. This can be a disappointment in itself. After all, you’ve tried to send them an interesting, maybe witty answer with some questions, and hope to get more information about them. What you receive does not answer your questions or ask anything about you. So why would you be interested in someone who is clearly not interested in you?

6. Don’t expect this person to change. If they’re not interested in you right now, when will they be? Get rid of the boring ones immediately. Don’t settle for less than what you really want.

IT’S ME?

How do you feel now? I imagine a bit battered. You’ve been up and down that roller coaster several times, you don’t know how long the ride is, and you want to get off. So take a breather. You don’t have to keep going endlessly. In fact, when you start, decide how long you will subscribe for. At first, 3 months may be enough, and then have a break.

More importantly, remember that your success with Internet dating is not about who you are, but how you approach the whole experience. You can feel vulnerable, after all you’ve put yourself out there in front of God knows how many people. If you haven’t been successful, it’s not about you as a person, it’s about the randomness of the entire internet dating process. That is why it is essential that you keep the process as light as possible. By this I mean not letting the roller coaster rule how you feel about yourself.

7. Remember that these people don’t know you, just a 10 second impression of who they think you are. Stay bold and true to yourself.

HOW TO IRON THE BULKS AND BULKS

If you want to have a smoother ride, stay in control of the process. Decide what your limits are around the time you spend online. Focus on the types of people you’re interested in, not just photos. Write yourself a list of 5 deal makers and 5 deal makers for yourself with internet dating. Ultimately, be the one you choose and remember to take breaks. Remember that you are the person your friends know.