I can feel the warm breath of my five year old daughter against my neck, sleeping soundly in my arms. It’s been a hard day and she’s been sick. As I hold her feverish little body and gently stroke her head, I am filled with the joy of motherhood: there is nowhere she would rather be (even under the circumstances). Holding my son gives my life meaning and purpose, and without that attachment he would be an empty person.
The only reason I know this is because before my son was born I walked this planet quietly lost. It was his life that straightened me out, ironically in the most joyous way. I lived my life according to rules and morals that were social norms. I did what I was told, always, and maintained a level of perfection that was suffocating me.
The birth of my daughter gave me a power that had stirred under the surface. I realized that there were no limits to where life could take me, and that I was the only person responsible for the barriers I faced, as I built them all. I am completely in love with my daughter and the beauty she brings into my life. She started a domino effect that brought the peace, stability and balance that had been missing.
For the last five years I have wrestled with the idea of having another child, and it has been a constant mental debate. When is the right time? Is this the right partner? What about the money? And where do I get the sperm from? It would be so much easier if I only liked boys, right? Well, maybe not, because I know straight couples and straight women have to deal with their own internal turbulence related to fertility and motherhood.
My girlfriend has made it clear from the beginning that having children was a fundamental goal in our relationship. Having one, already done, only reinforced the joy of having more children. We looked at our beautiful little girl and decided to do some research and make some phone calls to my health insurance company. Our conclusion: Making a lesbian baby is hard work. We needed more tips.
So I went to my gynecologist and told her “this lesbian wants more babies”, with a big smile she gave me her blessing and gave me the name of ONE fertility specialist who would be willing to work with a gay couple. Really? Unfortunately yes. I was given the names of three other fertility specialists that I was to avoid at all costs as they would not help me and would deny me services due to my sexual orientation.
Honestly, I’m not easy to bring down, but there was something about this conversation that filled me with a depression that lasted for a few days. Here I am trying to build a family with someone I love, and I already have a beautiful daughter, who I support financially, emotionally, and even spiritually, and would be denied services. All my efforts to be a well-adjusted partner and mother were still not enough for me to be seen as a member of society with a right to health care. That’s fucked up!
Today, I am not sure about having a child in this political climate. And some may judge me as a coward, and they are right, I am afraid. History has demonstrated its power of destruction and torture. And while many will argue that we will never revisit the atrocities of WWII, I call your shit. There are countries right now where genocide is taking place. Even today, I have very real fears about my daughter growing up in a lesbian home, which have nothing to do with my partner or our relationship, but with the world around us.
I’ll still go see the ONE fertility specialist and see where I go from there, but here are a few things to consider before you start planning to have a lesbian baby:
- Consider that having a child is a lifelong commitment. Are you ready to take on this responsibility?
- Have you thought about how you will handle childcare responsibilities and balance work and family?
- Are you ready to be a parent to a child with special needs if you have one?
- If you have a partner, are you both equally committed to being parents?
- If you and your partner have religious differences, have you discussed how they will affect your child?
- Where do you find yourself with your own identity? Your sexual orientation?
- Are you financially stable? Families in the middle income group will spend $286,050 to raise a child from birth to 17 years old.
- Are you emotionally stable? Women who suffer from depression are twice as likely to have fertility problems as women who don’t.
- What is your medical history? Find out if there are any genetic or chromosomal disorders such as Down syndrome, sickle cell anemia, cystic fibrosis, Tay-Sachs disease, or bleeding disorders. You’ll also want to know if anyone in your family has mental retardation or other developmental delays or was born with an anatomical birth defect, such as a heart or neural tube defect.
- Your age. The age of the parents matters, especially for women.
- Do you have a support system? It really does take a village to raise a child, and you had better make sure there is a stable and healthy system to support you.
Let the day begin…
Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru