We all want to find ways to create more peace, cooperation, and overall joy in our home environment. Many parents have turned to countercultural philosophies of gentle discipline, attachment parenting, and nonviolent communication to find the right parenting skills to help them implement effective and respectful ways to communicate with and discipline their children.
I am particularly interested in attachment theory and recently dove into the perspective of this theory from Dr. Gorden Neufeld, author of Hold On to Your Kids. Neufeld explains that parenting skills, responsibility, and parental love are positive elements that help us achieve our goal of being good parents and creating children who are easy to raise. Interestingly, he points out that it is ultimately the love our child has for us that will allow a child to be easily raised. Therefore, he is making the point that it is imperative that we create a loving and connected relationship with our children so that our child wants to please us, listen to us, be influenced by our values.
It is common knowledge by now that parents in our society are struggling to raise today’s child. I’m incredibly interested in why this is happening. We are often reprimanded by older generations for our lack of confidence, skills, and assertiveness. Our grandparents are surprised by what they perceive as a permissive parenting approach.
It is my opinion that, yes, there seems to be a wave of permissive parenting in response to the strict and punitive parenting we receive. However, Neufeld’s ideas are very interesting. He believes that our culture lacks attachment and that is why our family structure and upbringing is suffering. We really are living in a different time with different values than we had in the past. Both parents and children today are not the same as parents and children of yesteryear. He suggests that our current culture places more value on earning money than on nurturing and developing relationships with our own family. He suggests that rituals around relationship building are practiced infrequently.
For example, greetings and goodbyes are a big part of attachment cultures. Smiling warmly, hugging and saying hello, plus making sure to say goodbye to get over the absence: these simple cultural rituals are a dying form in America today.
He believes that children who have rhythm, structure, and ritual as part of their daily lives do better than those who live without them. That it is our values and expectations that are communicated to our children through our daily rhythms.
I really like the Waldorf approach, especially for young children. The Waldorf philosophy is based on the idea of creating rhythm for children. I think moms today can be overwhelmed or scared when they hear that rhythm is so important because we live very busy lives and often our schedules are unpredictable and anything BUT rhythmic or structured, even when we want them to be. Also, we can immediately think that creating rhythm implies rigidity and timelines.
It must be a relief to realize that a “rhythm” is not rigid at all, but rather simple and flexible.
In my exploration of healthy eating lately, I read an article about our natural biorhythms. He explained that there is a link between weight gain and light. Before electricity, people would get up at sunrise and go to sleep shortly after sunset. Sunlight provides a natural biorhythm. We know that lack of sleep can actually increase the body’s craving for carbohydrates, and since many moms cater to their families during the day, we find ourselves staying up late into the night, trying to help little ones calm down without monstrous fears, fulfilling our to-do lists, or squeezing time for ourselves. Yeah! We admit it, we are sleep deprived and yes, we even crave carbs.
No wonder Ma Ingles looked so laid back and so well behaved – she was so well rested, ate organically and lived every day to the beat!
Through these reflections, I am reminded again that easy, flexible rhythms and daily rituals are not only important to my children, but can also slow down my life and allow me to raise my children well and enjoy them more.
In Sharifa Oppenheimer’s book, Heaven on Earth, she helps parents understand how to create a daily rhythm. Simple waking rituals like… “stir the herbal tea, or set out bowls and serve the porridge. They can help with their little broom while we sweep up after lunch.” Doesn’t that sound lovely?
I’m starting to understand how important it is to keep things simple when it comes to raising young children. It can be hard to end hyper-parenting! Parents have so much to do with young children that they take us away from our home, place us in large groups of people and children, overstimulate their little bodies, infuse them with lots of sugar and processed foods, and generally create a insatiable thirst in our children for more. More entertainment, more sugar, more “fun”.
My job as a mother is really pushing me to find a way to find my daily rhythm and little rituals to get back to a simpler way of being together. It does not mean that I will not schedule an afternoon to go to the Museum of Life and Science or that I will refuse to enroll my child in any extracurricular activity.
It means we can start the day together by making our tea and oatmeal or frozen peanut butter waffles together, taking our time, watching the birds or fluffy woodpecker bees fluttering on the porch.
Yeah, it’s earthy-crunchy and granola too. I don’t know about you, but the sweet innocence of slowing down is spiritual to me. Suddenly the sound, color and breath become beautiful and something I notice. I crave it because our world has been disrupted by the media, electronic toys, and over-sugared, over-stimulated, over-tired, and insatiable children.
I invite you to change a part of your day to become more rhythmic. Put attachment theory and rhythm theory to the test, moms. Will you see improved behavior if you slow down and impose a more predictable rhythm on your life?
