We read regularly that relationships are not easy. They require hard work to be successful, and veterans frequently reference their ups and downs with a wry smile. When we get married, we get engaged for better or for worse. So where did the love go, what went wrong that resulted in us now getting divorced? Should we have tried harder, tried harder? Does divorce mean that I am a failure?

We remember how in the past we loved each other. We couldn’t consider life without each other, we planned our future together, we talked about children, travel and old age, reflecting on the many future possibilities with laughter and affection.

Over the years we have come to accept that changes happen. Life brings different opportunities and challenges that can take us in unexpected directions, opening up new options, perspectives, and priorities. Children, financial pressures, changes in health, and the demands of family bring additional pressures to our lives.

As a consequence, the things that initially attracted us to each other can start to irritate us. The easygoing charmer can now be seen as lazy and unmotivated. The person who is focused and driven by his career can now be regarded as a ruthless and money-obsessed workaholic. Qualities, which are fine in themselves, may no longer be necessary in our lives.

When a person reaches the point of saying ‘enough, this cannot continue, it is time to go our separate ways’, it is not a decision they have made lightly. Many people will repeatedly try to rekindle their relationship, perhaps undertake relationship counseling, in their desire for it to work. After all, they once cared deeply for each other. But ending a difficult and unhappy relationship often works best for everyone involved.

Feeling a failure can be part of the healing process. Everyone needs time to reflect and grieve after a major death or ending and divorce is no different as it signifies the end of a special relationship and the life we ​​expected to live, possibly after having invested many years in it.

During and after your divorce, it is important to take time to process what happened. Lessons may need to be learned, regrets resolved, and feelings of failure heal. Counseling and hypnotherapy can play an important role in the recovery process, helping with self-esteem, improving the various emotions that can agonize, such as anger, pain, frustration, ‘why me’, especially if the ex initiated the divorce and appears to go ahead well.

It is important to be sorry for what has been said or done, both for yourself and for others. A divorce will have a significant impact in virtually every area of ​​our lives. It can take time to recover from harsh exchanges of words and actions. We may need a period of reflection to determine our next steps, how to start over, forge a new identity, and work out practicalities such as childcare, financial considerations, work, and training. All of these important decisions can reinforce feelings of vulnerability and failure.

– Kids they are often an important consideration during a breakup. They may have to move from home or school and may struggle after the trauma of the breakup, no matter how friendly their parents try to handle it. They often need to be reassured that they are loved by both parents, that they were in no way responsible for the divorce, and that they can speak to the absent parent as often as possible.

It may be helpful to let them know what is going on, in an age appropriate way, to include them in choosing the decor for their new bedroom (s), so that they feel more positive, considerate, and grounded about the changes.

– Close relatives You may find it difficult to accept the breakup and find new arrangements that are difficult to accept. But grandparents can be invaluable after a divorce, offering stability and security in a potentially distressing environment. You often hear of a group of grandparents who are heavily relied upon, perhaps for housing, financial support, or childcare, while the other side almost distances itself. Both parties must work hard to remain reasonably neutral and avoid too much comment or criticism if they want to keep in touch with each other.

– Home and where to live is an important decision after divorce, as it has important implications. Separating a house in two is stressful and expensive and can reinforce feelings of overwhelming and failure. Would it be worth sharing the house or renting for a while to allow things to sort out before making the next decision?

– Works it often becomes more important after divorce. There is pressure to earn money in order to live, but there may also be a desire to use this time as a catalyst for a career change, to perhaps retrain and use this as an opportunity to start over.

Balancing the desire for a fresh start with the need to earn money can be difficult, but you may explore options like night school, working part-time, accepting offers of support. There may be viable ways to allow you to break new ground.

Finding adequate child care, deciding how to proceed next, meeting immediate needs, and at the same time losing the existing support network of friends and family can add to the stress and feeling of being overwhelmed experienced after divorce. Already in a vulnerable situation, it can help us decide that divorce means that we are a failure.

Try to take things at your own pace and remember, there is no more lonely place than in a loveless relationship. Divorce can be the beginning of a new positive life.