I recently heard from a wife who was quite devastated by the horrible surprise she had been given and landed in her lap. Her last child had recently left home to go to college. Soon after, her husband sat her down and told her that he was considering leaving her marriage. The wife was stunned. She felt that this was coming out of left field and that she had no warning about it.
When she began to ask the husband why this was happening, he cut her off and gave an apparently prepared statement that he hadn’t loved her in a long time (possibly years) and had stayed with her. all the time because of the kids. However, since both of her children were young adults in college, she no longer had a need to pretend. He told her that they wanted different things out of her life and that they really weren’t compatible. And he stressed that while he would always love her as he would any relative of hers, he was no longer “in love” with her.
To say this brought the wife down is an understatement. She said, in part: “Out of the blue, he just announced that he hasn’t really loved me for a long time, and yet he sat silent for all those years and never said a word. I mean, I know some of the passion was gone as we had been married for almost 20 years. I know our lives were busy and there wasn’t always time to prioritize our marriage. But I never saw this coming. I can’t even appeal to his sense of family because our children They’re in college, so there’s really no reason to stay unless you decide you want to.What can I do?
This was a difficult situation, but I felt there were a few things this wife could try. I will discuss them more in the next article.
Understand that it is common for people to want to make drastic changes after a major event in their lives: It is not uncommon for me to hear from people whose spouse suddenly wants to divorce or separate after they have had a major stressor or life change. Some examples are a job change, a move, an illness, or the death of someone close.
In this case, the last of their children was leaving for college. This often inspires people to take a hard look or reevaluate how their life turned out. The wife shared with me that the husband had always regretted not pursuing a college education, and while he was proud that his two sons were doing just that, the wife feels a bit of pent-up resentment and disappointment that this did not happen for him. .
This type of situation is not uncommon. Now, does the fact that this is a common situation mean that the husband will eventually come to his senses and change his mind? I can’t say. But what I can tell you is that evaluating your life (including your marriage) after a major life event is normal and common.
And sometimes people take action or think they want or feel something only to change their minds later (once they’ve had time to see that they were just reacting rather than making the right decision). That’s why I thought it was the best. that the wife did not react badly nor did she panic even though I understood that she was hurt.
Trying to save his marriage when he did nothing wrong and there’s apparently nothing he can change: This wife was in a confusing situation. Because many times when spouses are considering leaving, you can point to a very definite reason. Usually, there is a very concrete and identifiable problem or problem that is coming between you.
But in this case, every time the wife asked the husband what he could do to fix things, he told her that she had done nothing wrong and there was nothing to fix. It was just a fact that they were no longer compatible or in love. The wife wasn’t sure how to begin to approach this.
In cases like these, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to “convince” your husband that he is wrong about how he sees things. Often, talking about things doesn’t really resolve a situation like this, especially when there seems to be nothing to talk about. Often, it is her actions and behaviors that will help you progress.
And sometimes, this process just takes time. It was very clear to the wife that the husband felt that he was missing out on some exciting aspects of her life while he was married and raising her children. And she was hinting that he wanted to experience them now. The best case scenario here was if the wife could show him that it was possible for them to add some excitement to their lives together.
After all, they had a lot more time and freedom on their hands now that they were empty nesters. Nothing was stopping them from doing exactly what they wanted to do. Another point the husband didn’t seem to consider was that just because the kids were in college didn’t mean they didn’t need their family intact. Divorce and the breakup of a family affects all members of that family, regardless of age.
Prioritize how you want to proceed and then work from there: The best case scenario for this wife was for the husband to change his mind about this on his own without any drama on her part. To that end, I suggested that she stay calm and emphasize that she would never want to take her husband away from the things that would make him happy or make her life more fulfilling.
In this way, the husband does not really need to choose between having a more exciting life or staying married. I felt like I should make it clear that he didn’t need to leave her for this to happen. In fact, she would be willing to accompany him on his new adventures if he wanted to. Or, she would give him space if that was what he needed too.
Speaking of space, sometimes it becomes obvious after a while that the husband is determined to go out on his own and see what’s out there. And in her mind, the grass might be greener somewhere else, especially if she perceives that she has made sacrifices for years. If this turned out to be the case, I didn’t think the wife would gain anything by fighting him about it or implying that he was foolish, wrong, or selfish.
If this happens, it’s usually best to emphasize that you want them to be happy and have what they need to evaluate their life, while monitoring how the breakup plays out. In case the worst happens, you want to define the amount of time you will be away or offer to go away for a while yourself.
However, there was a good chance that it would not come to this if the wife did not panic and show her husband (with her actions and not with her words) that they could actually be happy and have new adventures together without the need to separate. . her family.
