The other day I received an email from a wife whose husband had cheated on her. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to stay in the marriage or not. But she wanted my advice on whether she should tell her family about the infidelity or not. I will share with you what I told him in the following article.
Should you tell your family about the matter?: This article probably won’t be very long because I have a very short and dry answer to this and that answer is no. This is why. First, he did not know if he was referring to his immediate family (ie children) or his extended family (ie mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, in-laws, etc.). However, in terms of children, they should never be brought to this one. This is in no way their fault and it is in no way an appropriate problem for children. There are things that children do not need to know about their parents and this is one of those things.
As for the extended family, I understand that sometimes you want their support (me too). I understand that sometimes you feel like this might help you both understand why you are at a crossroads in the marriage or why things are different. But here’s the problem. You have no way of knowing how you’re going to feel about this in a few months or even a few years. You may still be married and just want to heal or move on. Or, you may be in a new relationship. Either way, do you still want to be asked about this? It will be much harder to leave this behind if everyone knows about it.
Also, this can change the way the family feels about your spouse. If you’re going to work things out with him, this probably isn’t what you want for the future. I have a friend who told her mother about her husband’s infidelity and now the mother never passes up an opportunity to hit her husband or give her suspicious looks or “I told you so” looks. This creates a conflict that really did not need to occur.
Now, it may be obvious to your family that something is up. They are likely to ask. It’s okay to admit that you’re going through a rough patch of marriage, but you don’t need to explain more than that. If you are pressed, just say, “Thank you very much for your concern, but I am going to keep my marriage private. However, I would appreciate your support as I fight through this.”
Understandably, you probably want someone you can share this with. I recommend a neutral co-worker (who doesn’t know and never dates) her husband or a counselor who doesn’t really know either of you. Because, there will probably come a time when you wish you never told the family about her, but you can’t take it back. It is better never to cross that line at all. Because once you do, there is often no going back and the relationship and perceptions are often changed forever. Your marriage must be between you and your spouse and no one else.
