I often hear from women who are a little resentful because they haven’t yet received a commitment or proposal from the man they love and have been in a relationship with. They feel like they have invested everything they have in the relationship and now they have nothing to show for it. And as a result, they understandably wonder if he sometimes regrets it.
An example of what you might hear in this situation is something like: “I have invested two years in my boyfriend. I have always been very supportive and loyal and loving. He knew full well when we met that I was looking for something permanent, but he “He got involved with me anyway. After about a year of our relationship, he told me he wasn’t going to be ready to commit anytime soon. I guess he and I have different definitions of the word ‘soon.’ Because now it’s been a year and he still doesn’t want to commit to me. In fact, he says he doesn’t know when he’ll be ready. I’m very angry about this. I’m not sure if I want to stay in this relationship or not. But I feel like I want him to regret it. this. How do I make him regret it when I probably won’t leave him? I’ve been thinking about withholding my affections or bringing his attention to how lucky and happy our engaged friends are. I want him to realize that not committing to me is a big error.How can I do this?
I understand wanting him to pay attention and realize how painful it is to not want to commit. But, you have to remember what you really want. And I guess what you really want is for him to wake up one day soon and realize that he’s been wrong all along and that he wants to commit to you as soon as possible and without waiting any longer. And, looking at the long term, you want to get engaged and then get married and live happily ever after. This is a very valid dream and certainly not too much to ask. But you have to be very careful how you try to achieve this.
Regret is a negative emotion. And if you force that on him, then he can project those negative feelings onto you or your relationship. You need a plan that reinforces his love for you and highlights the health of your relationship. Withholding your affection isn’t going to do that. It will only make you feel frustrated, lonely, or unhappy. You don’t want this. It probably wouldn’t hurt to have mutual friends who are happily engaged so he can see that people who are engaged can be very happy. But you don’t want to be so obvious about the fact that you’re using your friends to drive your own point home. Your boyfriend may not think favorably of this and he may resent you for it or may withdraw from his friends. You don’t want this either.
You want him to be happy. And more than that, you want him to be happy with you and within your relationship. Frankly, if you cultivate a happy, positive and playful relationship, there’s a good chance that one day your boyfriend will look around and be overwhelmed with the thought of “what was I waiting for? I have a wonderful girl in a loving relationship and here I was dragging my feet. I’m not going to make that mistake twice.” This is the kind of healthy and benign repentance you want to encourage.
But you don’t want the kind of regret that is based on fear, guilt, or shame. Sure, it’s okay to want him to think he was wrong or just incredibly slow. But you don’t want to try to make him think he’s stupid, selfish, or dense. Because this is the man you love. So sure, it’s okay to encourage him to see that he’s a little late to the party. But you don’t want him to feel like he’s being punished or pointing out all his flaws. Because this would probably make him think less about you and the relationship. And, as a result, commitment from him becomes less likely.
