I often hear from women who are dealing with infidelity and who admit that, in a perfect world, they wish they could one day save their marriage. But of course, almost everyone has reservations and doubts. One of the biggest concerns I hear is the fear of repeating cheating. It’s absolutely normal to worry that the second you allow yourself to trust him again, he will fool you again and tear you to pieces. The fear is so great and so real that some people consider not trying to save the marriage for fear of the second affair.
Someone might say, “I need to know the likelihood that my husband will cheat on me again. He swears he won’t. He’s saying and doing the right things. And yet I can’t completely trust him.” I am always on guard. Trying to get through this process has cost everything I have. It has shattered what I thought I knew about my husband and my marriage. I suspect everyone and everything. I see the world as a hostile place now and this was never true before. It has put a dark cloud over everything. I’m slowly trying to recover, but it has been crippling. I can’t do this again. My husband swears that he would never put himself in this position again. I want to believe you. But he found a way to cheat once, so who’s to say he won’t cheat again? What do the statistics say about the probability of a second adventure? “
If you’ve looked, I’m sure you’ve seen the statistics vary. Unfortunately, there does not appear to be an agreement. I have seen three sets of statistics. One indicated that only 22 percent of people cheated more than once. Another contradicted that, saying that up to 55 percent of people repeat the deception. Additionally, there was an online survey of people who had had affairs and 60 percent of them said they had been unfaithful more than once. (I’d take this with a grain of salt, as people who are online and willing to talk about their infidelity can be a different subset of people who just want to get on with their lives.) However, as you can see, the statistics vary widely, but it can go up to about half of the unfaithful people who will cheat again. And you can get as little as 1/4.
I understand why you want to know about statistics. I can drop a lot of statistics on issues and their recovery because I did a lot of research due to my own experience. But I can tell you something else. You can read statistics all day, but really, they have no impact on your life. Just because a number of other couples have an experience does not mean that you will.
The best indicator of whether you will deal with another affair is not what happens with other couples, it is what happens with your husband, with you, and with your recovery. I can tell you something else that I learned. You can only do everything that is humanly possible and there are no guarantees yet, but it gets better. Time is a wonderful tool with this. Early in our recovery, I always worried about the slightest perception of deception. Most of the time, it was just my suspicions working overtime. But over time, you start to see that your first fears don’t come true and you allow yourself to relax a little bit more. And one day, you realize that if you give the counseling, if you insist that your husband take responsibility and rehab, and if you work on yourself and become as strong as possible, at some point, you have to just breathe and know that you cannot control this completely. You can and should make your marriage and recovery as strong as possible. And you should always be vigilant. If my husband started behaving strangely tomorrow or displayed problematic behaviors, of course I would be concerned and investigate. But I no longer want to live my life always on guard. My husband and I work long enough and hard enough that I feel safe releasing just a little bit. If my husband’s behavior forced me to change, then I would, but I got tired of living my life out of fear of tomorrow.
You are at an early stage in this process, so you haven’t had the advantage of time yet. But if you are still involved in your marriage, then you can only make sure that you get all the help you need and do whatever you and your husband can to get you back on the right track. You can be clear about your expectations and you can make sure each of them are met. And at some point, you just have to exhale and know that if the worst comes, then you will handle it, but you are not going to compromise the rest of your life by always living suspiciously and walking on eggshells. Only you will know when you have reached this point. Usually, a little healing is necessary first.
