“Let’s just be friends”… the words still ring strangely in your ears. As if dealing with a breakup wasn’t hard enough, some guys want to stay in touch with you even after the relationship is over. Some couples call, email, and even hang out long after they’re done. It seems natural: you get along with your ex in a friendship role, but in a relationship role you just bicker and fight. So why not be friends with your ex? It’s certainly possible, right? They are both two mature adults and they both know what they want, so why not give it a try?
Well, there are several reasons. First and foremost, she’s probably still in love with him. Staying friends with someone after you’ve broken up usually indicates that you’re not completely over the relationship. Although you will try to rationalize the friendship and convince yourself that it is strictly platonic, you will always have the hope, even a little, of something more. What if you were the one who left him? He’s going to be the one to pray for a reconciliation. The simple fact is that no breakup is totally clean. Someone always gets hurt. And who was that person? He or she will eventually put a strain on the “friendship.”
On the surface, friendship seems like a nice easy route. You don’t have to miss your ex boyfriend: you can still see him…call him…email him and text him. Best of all, you no longer have the fights and bickering that you used to have when you were dating. There is no obligation to do anything together, and when you hang out, there are no complications from the two of you sleeping together. Being friends with your ex-boyfriend is all puppies and ice cream… or at least, that’s how it looks on paper.
In reality, however, problems will arise. Hanging out will be fun at first, but one or both of you will eventually want to have sex again. Lazing around one night after renting a movie, I mean, hey, why not? You two have done it many times, you can certainly handle a few more. But sleeping with your ex leads to unwanted emotional attachment. No matter how fun it is, you’ll feel used when he doesn’t call you for a few days, which is what friends sometimes do.
Dating is another big problem. Even if you maintain a healthy, sex-free friendship with your ex-boyfriend… what happens when he gets a new girlfriend? Will you see it that much? Will he introduce you as an ex-girlfriend he is still dating or will he hide that little detail? And how will you feel once he starts spending more time with her and a lot less with you? Jealous? Of course you will. Because watching your ex move on with his life while you’re home alone just sucks.
The opposite scenario is equally sticky. Let’s say you meet a new guy, start seeing him, and then the two of you are suddenly boyfriend and girlfriend. Are you still dating and contacting your ex-boyfriend? If so, do you tell your new man about it? Chances are he won’t be very understanding when you’re still talking, emailing, and getting along with someone you once slept with. Guys tend to want their girlfriends to themselves, they don’t have to share them with other guys who already know them on some pretty intimate levels.
Now, if you’re looking to get back together with your boyfriend, being friends might seem like a great idea. It allows you to stay close to your ex while you figure out how to win his heart back. You can monitor what he’s up to, know who he’s with, and ultimately fix things to the point where you date again. Right?
Not so fast.
Being friends with your ex when you still love them is even more painful than going through the pain of separation. Your ex knows that you still like him, and so he is going to cheat on you while he looks for other options. Your ex-boyfriend is free to see, date and sleep with other girls in this scenario… and you have to clap your hands happily and wish him luck because you’re his “friend of his” and you only want what’s best for him. Screw that.
The path to get your boyfriend back does not go through friendship. There are ways to get your ex back that involve breaking free from your past relationship and creating a new environment where your ex wants you back. Establishing a friendship with your ex actually makes this process difficult. As long as they remain friends, they can never be with him again. And how long do you maintain the facade of that pseudo-relationship? The deeper you fall into the friend zone.
Never substitute being friends with an ex-boyfriend for the lasting relationship you really want. Fight to get your ex back using the right channels so that he misses you, thinks of you and loves you again. It’s the only way to mend your breakup and start dating your ex. Friendship with your ex-boyfriend is always a dead end.
