How to talk so young people will listen
When your teen FINALLY starts to warm to you, the way you respond will either encourage or discourage them from revealing more. I’m sure you’re familiar with some of these barriers to communication, but let’s break down a few of them.
Command: tell your teen what to do. For example, “Stop complaining that your teacher gave you a failing grade. Go to school tomorrow and talk to her about it.”
Threaten: tell your youth to do something, “or else…”. – suggesting that there is only one acceptable course of action. For example, “If you don’t take your studies more seriously, we won’t go out and have fun anymore.”
Preach – Telling your teen how to act or behave – usually has a self-righteous, ‘this is the right thing to do’ tone. For example, “You shouldn’t talk about other people like that.”
Avoidance: Trying to avoid uncomfortable problems or situations in the hope that they will go away on their own. For example, “Oh, let’s not talk about it. It’s so depressing! Let’s try to find something happy to think about.”
Peacemaker – Trying to make your teen feel better without really addressing the problem. For example: if your teen says, “I feel bad because I was mean to my little sister!” You answer: “Oh, don’t worry about it, I did the same thing many times.” Although he may be sincere, he has not helped his youth to solve the problem.
Reading – Give your teen unsolicited advice. For example, “If you want to get ahead in life, you really need to go to college. You really need to work harder in school to get into college.”
In other words, never talk down to them, patronize them, or act like a know-it-all. Young people already have more than enough intimidating authority figures to deal with; They don’t need you to be one more. Also, young people generally know the difference between right and wrong and know what the right course of action should be without you having to tell them. So learn to trigger a bit, don’t be so uptight, take serious situations lightly (when appropriate) and have some fun. In other words, be loving, loose and crazy!
Own identity
While I’m saying that, young people don’t need you to be “one of them” either, the trap many of us (and parents) fall into. We try to dress like them, use their language, get into the same fashions as them. We believe that this helps us bond more with our youth. Well, it does somehow. We develop the element of friendship and young people want to spend more time with us, we get into the “in” crowd. Two things can happen. First, when it comes to talking about more serious topics, they will tend not to take it seriously or, at the other extreme, they will avoid the fearsome youth leader who “mutates” into this other figure of authority every time something serious is discussed. And two, you end up in a clique and the young people who really need you, the marginalized, the young people who “don’t belong in the crowd” feel further removed from you. Here’s the thing, you don’t have to look and feel like your youth to identify with them. You have to be a role model. That means being your own person with your own identity, maintaining a high standard of integrity, and having a clear purpose. That’s what makes a strong youth leader, one with a magnetism that attracts youth. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you have to be charismatic, loud and outgoing. But you do need to have identity, integrity, and purpose.
ask the right questions
Learn to ask the right questions. Ask open questions instead of closed ones. Instead of saying, “How was school?” Ask, “How do you feel about school?” Instead of “Are you good at sports?” Ask him, “I wasn’t good at most sports when I was in school, but I liked soccer. How about you?” Never underestimate the power of the question, “What do you think?” Especially when young people come to you for advice, they are not really looking for a solution; they are seeking approval of an already decided course of action. When you rush to give advice, young people are quick to transfer responsibility for their decisions to you. “You told me it was fine! Now look what happened…” Sound familiar?
Remember that the activities you do together can become a source of conversation. Whether you’re playing soccer together or enjoying a snack after a movie, having a conversation about the activity itself can help your child feel more comfortable talking with you. These conversations can lead to more personal discussions later. Remember that you can always recall the activities you have participated in with them to keep the conversation going.
talk don’t tell
There will come a time in the stage of their relationship with their youth where they feel comfortable enough to open up to you about personal matters. When that happens, be supportive (this is, of course, cause for celebration). If you respond by lecturing or expressing disapproval, he or she will most likely avoid bringing up personal matters in the future. Instead of seeking support and help from you, your teen may begin to avoid discussing problems with you and hide school or family difficulties from you, or worse, turn to the wrong people for support.
To show that you are supportive and non-judgmental, you can:
Answer in a way that shows you see the side of things from your youth.
Assure your teen that you will be there for him or her.
If you do give advice, do so sparingly and make sure you are focused on identifying solutions.
· If you sometimes feel worried or disappointed, make sure it is covered with reassurance and acceptance.
Sounds like a friend, not a father.
Tilt Key Points:
· Be loose, loving and crazy!
Identity, integrity and purpose.
Sounds like a friend, not a father.
